I’ve stopped making New Year’s Resolutions. The more I try, the more I feel like a hypocrite. I might have succeeded at keeping some of them (e.g. save, eat healthy) but, oftentimes, I fail to keep the more important ones.
Three months into this year, I have already failed to commit to my biggest and most valuable resolution.
I am still effing attached to the past.
Most resolutions that are tangible (e.g. losing weight) are easier to stick to than the intangible ones (e.g. forget insecurities, move on). This is exactly the reason why it doesn’t surprise me to find myself being dragged into the same circle of self-disappointment and frustation I was in almost a year ago.
I am still effing attached to the past and it is so difficult for me to let go.
I have tried a lot of times to better myself this year. By doing that, I knew I needed to burn bridges with toxic people and keep being a model of strength – for nobody, really, but myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I cut my ties. However, the Universe (yes, I am blaming the Universe once again) has a cunning way of putting back things together – no matter how dysfunctional. One day, you just wake up realizing the progress you have made is all gone and has been replaced by old, familiar feelings. Trust me when I say nostalgia is a force to be reckoned with.
So I cut my ties only to come back again. Again. And again. And again. It’s a viscious cycle and, more often than not, I blame myself for being part of it. If I weren’t probably as weak as I am now, I would have successfully stopped this insanity permanently a long time ago.
I used to be a head-over-heart kind of person but I must have changed quite a lot of times since then. I am not proud to say this but I have made dumb decisions more frequently now than five years ago ( when I was straight out of university and lost as to where to start my career path). In fact, this year’s decisions might be the dumbest I have ever made.
I am still attached to the effing past and I cannot wait for the day I no longer am.
The day I am talking about might be the very same day I will get my heart broken all over again. The more I think about it though, I’d rather have my heart hammered again than to keep getting involved in this mess of uncertainty, lies and deceit, and feelings that were more presumed than expressed. I think can weather through heartaches more than I can do with feelings of guilt and conscience.
I am still attached to the effing past but I will choose to hurt myself than an innocent person.
It is not self-destructing, I swear. In fact, the very reason I am willing to do so is because I want to love myself more than I did in the past. I want to spend time with my loved ones and travel with my friends. I want to feel fulfilled with the things I do knowing I do them right and without stepping on anybody.
I am going away for the Easter holiday. I am hopeful that as I do so, I discover a few more important things about myself then ultimately, find the self-love I think I have lost somewhere along adoring people who turned out to be unworthy of loving.
Easter celebrates the resurrection of Jesus. I am celebrating Easter for this reason as it is a beginning. Along with this is the changing of seasons – from winter to spring. I hope and pray it is a beginning for me as well.
I might have not stuck to my New Year’s Resolutions but I will try to better myself on a daily basis – baby steps, one at a time.
See you after the trip!